Fighting the fear......

This is Day 4 and I feel quite strong about my journey so far.....here is what I have learned in those 4 short days.....

"Wine o'clock" is the hardest time of day - for me that would be around 6pm. That's when I would pour my first glass of wine and depending on what type of day I'd had (ie...how bad the hangover was from the previous day) I could well be onto my second glass by 6.30pm and so it would go on. It sounds disgusting when written down! The first "wine o'clock" was the worst. I confess that I did think "fuck-it" and I did pour a glass from an already opened bottle from the previous day. And that's where it ended. I just left it there on the kitchen work-top while I pottered away making dinner. husband came in from work and I said "I don't want that actually, you have it if you want it". I FELT EMPOWERED!! And that have me the strength to get through the evening. I didn't last long as I was so tired I went to bed at 9pm to read.

Sleep has always been my enemy....getting to sleep that is. When I have a drink I have no problem getting to sleep but every night without fail I'd wake up at 2/3am feeling anxious then my mind would start working over-time and I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep.....thus feeling exhausted the next day....thus requiring more wine to take the edge off the next evening.....hello vicious circle!!However I know from past experience of doing "dry January" that if you can break the cycle of having a drink in the evening then sleep becomes more restful and your body & mind does what it's supposed to do during sleep which is to regenerate. It takes a few nights to get used to going to sleep "without alcohol", for your body to adapt to being able to go to sleep without alcohol but I do feel I am starting to turn a corner. I fell asleep in bed watching TV last night....DIY SOS....and the dulcet tones of Nick Knowles helped me to drift off to slumber-land. Anytime I woke up I was able to get back to sleep again fairly quickly. Progress!!  

Reading about alcohol has helped.....as I mentioned previously, I read The Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley and I've been following her blog at http://mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.co.uk/. There is a reading list on there which I have downloaded the majority of and I've started ready Kick The Drink,,,,Easily, by Jason Vale which is a really interesting read concerning how we've been brainwashed into thinking we can't live without alcohol and it aims to dispel all the myths about alcohol and talks about the freedom of being alcohol free as opposed to being "in recovery".

Fear.....this is a major obstacle to overcome when going sober. The thought of never having a drink ever again is scary.....what will people think of me, will I lose friends, will I become boring, will they think I have a problem, who will I become etc etc. What I will say though is that through reading about other people's experiences the fear is already starting to fade.....I just need to keep on fighting it.

Today is Thursday and the weekend is looming.....check in with me again on Monday to hear how it went!! 

Day 1: 9th April 2018

5.45am.....almost time to get up for another working week to begin...ugh. I hate feeling like this....groggy after too much wine. But it’s a common feeling. An every morning feeling actually. And I hate it. I hate that I love drinking wine in the evening. Every evening. I drink too much. A bottle of wine (at least) every night. I’ve tried to cut down, only drink at weekends but not succeeded. I’ve done the whole dry January thing so I know I can stop drinking. I remember feeling fantastic and sleeping so much better and having so much more energy too. I want that feeling back and I want that feeling forever. So I’ve decided there’s only one solution and that’s to stop drinking altogether. So this is Day 1! I actually feel good at having made the decision to this. I feel like I've
achieved something already by deciding to decide to do it (if that even makes sense!)

About me.....I’m a Mum of two boys aged 3 and 11 and wife to my fabulous husband. I’m just an ordinary working mum dealing with the everyday stresses and strains of juggling everyday life and the many challenges it throws our way. Up until today I’ve been using wine to cope. Wine-o’clock is sometime around 6pm (earlier at the weekends!). I honestly can’t wait to get home and pour that first glass. But it’s never just one glass....that’s the problem. And it’s a vicious circle. I’ll feel so rubbish the next day that I need wine to feel better again....and so it goes on. Until now. I don’t want my boys to grow up thinking it’s okay to drink everyday and to end up down the same route as me. I’m cocerned for my health. I’m over weight. I hate how I look and feel. So it’s time to make the change.

I've been doing a little bit of reading about alcoholism. I've never even considered myself an alcoholic but I recently saw a post on Facebook about a book called The Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley which is based on her own blog (SoberMummy) about her own journey to becoming sober. I downloaded it to my Kindle and started to read.......and very quickly realised I could have been reading about myself. She uses the term "High Functioning Alcoholic".....so that is what I am. There, I've said it. The more I read of Clare's story, the more I became inspired to follow in her footsteps......so thank you Clare.....I hope my story will inspire someone as much as yours has inspired me.

And so my journey begins.....I hope you enjoy reading my ramblings.